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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

growth

I am learning things about myself. God is teaching me. He is constantly opening my eyes and making me more aware of myself. Some of these things I don't really care to know and other things it's been fabulous learning. He shows me a lot of things through other people: my family, my kids at work, my friends, my past, and mostly- James.

My heavenly father uses James constantly so show me myself: flaws and gifts. I have seen some of my selfish ways come out with him (my past shows me a lot as well- but I usually don't see things in my past until James has shown me so). My manipulations, my worldliness, my obsession of money, my unchanging ways, my laziness, my reasons for anything... I could continue on but I think my pride (another one) will stop me here. :-) The Lord is growing me through all this though. I have asked the Lord on several occations to show me my heart and to show me the things in my heart that harden me. And I don't do this on a daily basis because it is hard. No one really wants to face these things. No one really wants to take the hard, dirty road. But those who love Christ want to become more Christ like and desire obedience in God and this includes listening to Him and asking forgiveness of yours sins, all sins no matter how big or how small we may think they are. I have issues trusting God. I keep a graps on things pretty tightly and don't like to let go- when I do let go, I often grab back quite quickly. ...I have totally derailed from my original purpose of this blog...

Back to James- this Man of God that I am in a dating relationship with. James and I have been dating for almost 6 months now. I can honestly say, my heart began stirring June 3rd. The Lord placed that in me and grew a love for him quickly. He is this amazing man. Don't get me wrong, I don't have him on a petistool because he is flesh and is flawed with sin. BUT, he is good to me. He's not some neat Christian guy that I am dating. He is a God seeking man that loves Jesus. He loves me. He treats me with respect and kindness. He honors me and values me. He listens to what I have to say and does his best to remember. He is learning me. And by that, I mean he is trying and working to understand who I am, how I feel, and why I think the way I do. He is honest and not fake. He tells me what he is thinking (even when I don't want to hear it and I want him to be fake and tell me everything will be alright! lol). He is smart, he is funny, and he is so handsom. He argues with me. He asks me "why" even when I don't want him to. He has this look with his eyes and his smile that makes my eyes water because I can see his heart and I can see his feelings for me and it overwhelms me with joy and love. He tries and doesn't give up. He will not go to bed mad at me nor will he allow me to do it either. He tells me his feelings for me and shows me through his everyday and out of the ordinary day actions. He is so good to me. I am truely blessed by my Father to have him in my life. I do not know if James is forever because I do not know the will of God but I do know the desires of my heart and that is for James to always be my beloved until I go home to Jesus. James is worth every second of heartache I have gone through with past boys and I see now why God gave me all that pain. I asked for the Lord to prepare my heart for my future and I feel all that heartache was on purpose. I feel the Lord is still growing my heart, but growing it for James. I love him and I am excited about every second I have with him.



Thank you Father for your grace.

growth

I am learning things about myself. God is teaching me. He is constantly opening my eyes and making me more aware of myself. Some of these things I don't really care to know and other things it's been fabulous learning. He shows me a lot of things through other people: my family, my kids at work, my friends, my past, and mostly- James.

My heavenly father uses James constantly so show me myself: flaws and gifts. I have seen some of my selfish ways come out with him (my past shows me a lot as well- but I usually don't see things in my past until James has shown me so). My manipulations, my worldliness, my obsession of money, my unchanging ways, my laziness, my reasons for anything... I could continue on but I think my pride (another one) will stop me here. :-) The Lord is growing me through all this though. I have asked the Lord on several occations to show me my heart and to show me the things in my heart that harden me. And I don't do this on a daily basis because it is hard. No one really wants to face these things. No one really wants to take the hard, dirty road. But those who love Christ want to become more Christ like and desire obedience in God and this includes listening to Him and asking forgiveness of yours sins, all sins no matter how big or how small we may think they are. I have issues trusting God. I keep a graps on things pretty tightly and don't like to let go- when I do let go, I often grab back quite quickly. ...I have totally derailed from my original purpose of this blog...

Back to James- this Man of God that I am in a dating relationship with. James and I have been dating for almost 6 months now. I can honestly say, my heart began stirring June 3rd. The Lord placed that in me and grew a love for him quickly. He is this amazing man. Don't get me wrong, I don't have him on a petistool because he is flesh and is flawed with sin. BUT, he is good to me. He's not some neat Christian guy that I am dating. He is a God seeking man that loves Jesus. He loves me. He treats me with respect and kindness. He honors me and values me. He listens to what I have to say and does his best to remember. He is learning me. And by that, I mean he is trying and working to understand who I am, how I feel, and why I think the way I do. He is honest and not fake. He tells me what he is thinking (even when I don't want to hear it and I want him to be fake and tell me everything will be alright! lol). He is smart, he is funny, and he is so handsom. He argues with me. He asks me "why" even when I don't want him to. He has this look with his eyes and his smile that makes my eyes water because I can see his heart and I can see his feelings for me and it overwhelms me with joy and love. He tries and doesn't give up. He will not go to bed mad at me nor will he allow me to do it either. He tells me his feelings for me and shows me through his everyday and out of the ordinary day actions. He is so good to me. I am truely blessed by my Father to have him in my life. I do not know if James is forever because I do not know the will of God but I do know the desires of my heart and that is for James to always be my beloved until I go home to Jesus. James is worth every second of heartache I have gone through with past boys and I see now why God gave me all that pain. I asked for the Lord to prepare my heart for my future and I feel all that heartache was on purpose. I feel the Lord is still growing my heart, but growing it for James. I love him and I am excited about every second I have with him.



Thank you Father for your grace.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

my heart

I'm in love. Not only am I in love, but he is in love with me. God has blessed my life, at least for the time being, with a Godly man. He is all that I have been asking for. I don't know what I did to deserve him but I've got him and I don't want to let him go. I ask my Father in prayer to take him away if this isn't what He wants because I wouldn't ever be able to let him go... So far so good. He has his reasons for all and I am not sure what His purpose is but I am open to His will and cannot wait to see where this goes- heartache or euphoria. He is good!

Some people in our lives have expressed concern for our verbal and outword expression of our love... We are in love and we tell each other how we feel! We are in no rush to go get married or anything of the sort... But our hearts desire one another. I love him, I love being around him, I love his kisses, the sound of his voice, the way he looks at me, all the things he does for me... you name it... He is a servant to the Lord and through that serves me... I just pray that I am doing the same for him...


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My wish- everyone get off our backs and just pray for us and support us... When we make mistakes- yeah call us out but for saying we love each other because we are not engagged... come on... I think you should say how you feel if you feel like it is appropriate!! Anyway... enough venting and confessing my feelings...

Jesus loves us all... and I love Him

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

just something

god is good. He makes me smile.