Saturday, August 25, 2007

Good News came from the doctor! Yea! I go back on Thursday...


I don't understand how I can know something is wrong and sinful but not feel convicted about it? Like I know while I am doing something that is it wrong... that God is looking down on me shaking His head and in my mind I am thinking these thoughts but I continue on anyway.... And when I look back and reflect I think I should not have done that and I pray to God to convict me but I still don't feel convicted... I don't get it... Part of me thinks... so was it really all that wrong??? Maybe it's time that we make it right???? I don't know... I'm going to pray some more...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tomorrow is the day. My boss was super okay with letting me leave work early. He is getting off work early as well to go along with me... He's there to support me, hold my hand, to ask his own questions and mine, as well as to be my ears. I don't know what His purpose is in all this but I don't know His plan is more perfect then anything I could ever dream up. I have prayed and prayed, harder then I ever have before for this to all be a mistake... for a miracle. I believe deep in my hear that is possible and I pray. But why would He do that? I don't deserve it in any way. I don't deserve His love at all.
Lord, I beg you here tonight Father... heal my body, make me well... my sins have been washed clean but I feel like there is a sinful residue covering my body that is keeping me from being fully clean... I know this is not true Lord but I want to be honest and confess that this is how I am feeling right now... I pray for you to cure, heal, take away all that is wrong with my body. I pray for James' ears Lord. I pray that he hear and understand all that is spoken in the room tomorrow. I pray for his heart Lord. That he be able to love me through all of this Lord.
I am humbled but I am scared to death. I feel faithless and full of all this hope at the same time- I don't know how that is possible.... it's tiresome and confusing. This whole week I have struggled with hearing the Lord and hearing Satan.... what is truth and what is lies? Sometimes I don't know and other times it's just easier to believe the lies because they make more sense... I don't deserve His love but again, He continues to unconditionally.

WOW.... I am overwhelmed....

Friday, August 17, 2007

hard times

I feel lonely, broken, kind of disgusting, dirty, angry, sad, hopeless.... but at the same time thankful, full hope, washed, and loved..... is this possible to feel all these things at the exact same time? How does one handle all these emotions?